Kruse's Keys: Read "The Three-Body Problem" To Discover China's Top Sci-Fi Writer

*(Audible read)

Last Christmas, I came across a New York Times article titled Obama’s Secret to Surviving the White House Years: Books.  It was published back in January 2017 as President Obama prepared to leave the White House. In it the former president revealed some of his favorite reads from his time in office--Liu Cixin's "The Three-Body Problem" was one of them.  I've always enjoyed the escapism and imaginative challenge of science fiction (e.g., Orson Scott Card, Hugh Howey etc.) and was intrigued by the notion of  Liu Cixin being the most popular science fiction writer that you've never heard of...because he'd only been recently translated into English.

"The Three-Body Problem" is a trippy novel that's not easily summarized and it's easy to get lost in the more technical aspects that Cixin explores in depth (i.e., nanotechnology, metaphysics, quantum mechanics etc.), particularly when listening to it in 45 minutes blocks on Audible in D.C. traffic over a month's time).  The basic premise, though, is that a technologically superior alien civilization has decided to colonize earth.  The story, however, unfolds amidst a narrative that jumps from the 1960's Chinese cultural revolution, to present day China, to an online VR world/game that the aliens may be using as a communication mechanism.  This is a book that requires mental engagement but one which rewards the reader with a gripping story that readers will grapple with long after they've finished the novel's last pages.

See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Key References:
How Chinese Sci-Fi Conquered America (NYT Magazine)
Supernova Era (latest novel from Liu Cixin)
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/06/24/liu-cixins-war-of-the-worlds?verso=true

Kruse's Keys: Read "Between the World and Me" to See the Intersection of the American Dream and the Black Body

I first became aware of Ta-Nehisi Coates when someone posted an excerpt from one of his Atlantic articles in which he talks about “guardrails” in marriage. Coates is a secular-atheist so there’s lots I don’t agree with him on but there was some real wisdom in his article:

“I've been with my spouse for almost 15 years. In those years, I’ve never been with anyone but the mother of my son. But that's not because I am an especially good and true person. In fact, I am wholly in possession of an unimaginably filthy and mongrel mind. But I am also a dude who believes in guard-rails, as a buddy of mine once put it. I don't believe in getting "in the moment" and then exercising will-power. I believe in avoiding "the moment." I believe in being absolutely clear with myself about why I am having a second drink, and why I am not; why I am going to a party, and why I am not. I believe that the battle is lost at Happy Hour, not at the hotel. I am not a "good man." But I am prepared to be an honorable one.”

When I came across his memoir “Between the World and Me” I decided to give it a try. I realize that Coates is a controversial writer (for a lot of white people) and I may not agree with everything he writes but none of us got any wiser by reading only those with whom we agree.

“Between the World and Me” is a love letter from a father to a son written with the urgency of a man who knows he may perish at any moment. Coates writes beautifully as he recalls his youth and experiences as a father. His memoir reflects serious inner self-examination as he seeks to create a blueprint for his son to survive and possibly even thrive in a world that Coates argues is stacked against him from a historical, institutional, and psycho cultural perspective.

As Coates warns his son to keep his guard up, he adds, “Never forget that we were enslaved in this country longer than we have been free.” This observation reminded me of Isabel Wilkerson’s “The Warmth of Other Suns” which I wrote about it here. That book on the great northward migration of blacks from the Jim Crow south points out that 77 years ago killing blacks was not a crime in ⅓ of the United States. Both observations point to a corporate (but also deeply personal) memory that white people just don’t have and that I never thought about it prior to reading these books. But it puts much of what Coates in perspective and should give the reader pause in considering the author’s hypothesis that the system created by the “dreamers” (all the white people that benefit from an American society designed to make their lives better and easier, exclusively) has always sought the disembodiment of the black body. He adds: “Disembodiment is a kind of terrorism, and the threat of it alters the orbit of all our lives and, like terrorism, this distortion is intentional.”

While his hypothesis is one which inspires much heated debate--his writing is strongest as he make personal the stories of murdered black youths, in particular, that of his Howard classmate Prince Jones: “Think of all the love poured into him. Think of the tuitions for Montessori and music lessons. Think of the gasoline expended, the treads worn carting him to football games, basketball tournaments, and Little League. Think of the time spent regulating sleepovers. Think of the surprise birthday parties, the daycare, and the reference checks on babysitters. Think of World Book and Childcraft. Think of checks written for family photos. Think of credit cards charged for vacations. Think of soccer balls, science kits, chemistry sets, racetracks, and model trains. Think of all the embraces, all the private jokes, customs, greetings, names, dreams, all the shared knowledge and capacity of a black family injected into that vessel of flesh and bone. And think of how that vessel was taken, shattered on the concrete, and all its holy contents, all that had gone into him, sent flowing back to the earth. Think of your mother, who had no father. And your grandmother, who was abandoned by her father. And your grandfather, who was left behind by his father. And think of how Prince's daughter was now drafted into those solemn ranks and deprived of her birthright — that vessel which was her father, which brimmed with twenty-five years of love and was the investment of her grandparents and was to be her legacy.”

Overall, though, Coates' atheist outlook makes much of his advice ring rather bleak.  He talks of hope in such limiting terms--instead valuing "struggle" since there's nothing beyond this life.  That's my personal take as a Christian, of course, and I would add that Coates doesn't belittle those with faith in his writing but in his strident atheist stance one can't help but get the idea that he actually is searching...for something or someone.  

See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.
Related Reading:



Key Quotes:

11 “And I didn’t comfort you, because I thought it would be wrong to comfort you. I did not tell you that it would be okay, because I have never believed it would be okay.” Coates on why he did not console his son’s heartbreak after Michael Browns killers were acquitted.

51 “Poetry was the processing of my thoughts until the slag of justification fell away and I was left with the cold steel truths of life.” Coates on his discovery of poetry as a distiller of one’s beliefs and truths.

61 “But this girl with the long dreads revealed something else--that love can be soft and understanding; that, soft or hard, love was an act of heroism.” Coates on love as first discovered at Howard70 “Never forget that we were enslaved in this country longer than we have been free.” Coates’ observation on black history.

71 “These are the preferences of the universe itself: verbs over nouns, actions over states, struggle over hope.” Coates outlook on life in which he states is not to be confused with despair.

81-2 “Think of all the love poured into him. Think of the tuitions for Montessori and music lessons. Think of the gasoline expended, the treads worn carting him to football games, basketball tournaments, and Little League. Think of the time spent regulating sleepovers. Think of the surprise birthday parties, the daycare, and the reference checks on babysitters. Think of World Book and Childcraft. Think of checks written for family photos. Think of credit cards charged for vacations. Think of soccer balls, science kits, chemistry sets, racetracks, and model trains. Think of all the embraces, all the private jokes, customs, greetings, names, dreams, all the shared knowledge and capacity of a black family injected into that vessel of flesh and bone. And think of how that vessel was taken, shattered on the concrete, and all its holy contents, all that had gone into him, sent flowing back to the earth. Think of your mother, who had no father. And your grandmother, who was abandoned by her father. And your grandfather, who was left behind by his father. And think of how Prince's daughter was now drafted into those solemn ranks and deprived of her birthright — that vessel which was her father, which brimmed with twenty-five years of love and was the investment of her grandparents and was to be her legacy.” Coates grappling with the death of Prince Jones. This is a powerful personalized reflection on death that rescues it from being a mere headline.

97 “I am ashamed that I made an error, knowing that our errors always costs us more.” Coates on his reaction to an older white woman who pushed his son.

113 “You exist. You matter. You have value. You have every right to wear a hoodie, to play your music as loud as you want. You have every right to be you. And no one should deter you from being you. You have to be you. And you can never be afraid to be you.” Admonition from a murdered black boy’s mother to Coates’ son.

114 “Disembodiment is a kind of terrorism, and the threat of it alters the orbit of all our lives and, like terrorism, this distortion is intentional.” Coates on the persistent threat to the “body” of black men and women.

125 “How much I would have loved to have a past apart from fear. I did not have that past in hand or memory. But I had you.” Coates’ revelation upon visiting Paris and seeing another reality.

127 “Do you remember how your eyes lit up like candles when we stood out on Saint-Germain-des-Pres? That look was all that I lived for.” Beautiful writing from Coates as he remembers he and his son together in Paris.

131 “Should assaulting an officer of the state be a capital offense, rendered without trial, with the officer as judge and executioner?” Coates on the unanswered, unaddressed questions following Michael Brown’s death.

Key Takeaways:

29 Coates speaking of writing as not merely organizing sentences for effect but as a means of investigation.

36 Coates speaks to Malcolm’s appeal. For the white outsider this is a great distillation of his movement and philosophy--”Malcolm never lied…[he] spoke like a man who was free.”

69 The idea of the the black body and Coates’ admonition that his son must guard his body as a sacred object--never giving it away willingly.

90 Any guidance to be “twice as good” really means to accept half as much as steals away ones self-worth.


110 The successful retired black couples are to be lauded but must also be acknowledged as survivors against the backdrop of countless others who didn’t make it.

110 Coates drafts a great takedown of the notion of “black on black crime”. He argues that the term itself is a product of the “dreamers” who are basically people “who believes themselves white” and benefit from the institutional and societal construct of the US. I believe it’s also a critique of the notion of the American dream as understood by most whites.

125 In his time in another country Coates yearns for a “past apart from fear”, that is, memories associated with freedom.

For Further Study

45 “Destruction of Black Civilization” by Chancellor William

106 Thavolia Glymph

Kruse's Keys: Read " The Dry" for a Page-Turning Murder Mystery

In a dying Australian farm town, tinkering on the edge of collapse due to droughts, a family is found dead in an apparent murder-suicide.  An exiled man-turned-white-collar cop returns for the funeral and finds out his childhood best friend is the assumed killer of his own wife and kids.

Did his friend do it?  What secrets is the cop hiding?  What secrets has the town buried?

This was a page turner that kept me guessing till the end. A great quick read.









See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Kruse's Keys: Read "Ghost Fleet" To Peer Into a Future of Warfare (Singer and Cole)

Yes, I know I am four years late to the party and have been meaning to read this one for years.  I finally got my act together this week when the head of a NATO Parliamentary Assembly that was visiting the African Union here in Addis asked me if I'd read Ghost Fleet: A Novel of the Next World War.  I'd just finished a Q and A with the group on AFRICOM and had spoken at length on maritime security efforts and the Blue Economy in Africa.  She noted that when they visited Naples, she'd met ADM Foggo and he'd said what an important novel it was. Well that fortuitous conversation convinced me and I downloaded the story to my Kindle and ripped through in three days!

The premise of the novel is that sometime in the near future China (partnered with Russia) conducts a cyber/space/electronic warfare attack that gives them dominance across the warfare spectrum.  Our fleet and air assets are near completely destroyed (with those remaining rendered useless as they are chocked full of compromised Chinese chips).  With all our U.S. satellites destroyed, the United States no longer has freedom of movement on land/air/sea.

The heart of the story is how the U.S. fights back--this being a combination of insurgency (in the occupied Hawaiian island), a reconstitution of mothballed ships and aircraft, a private-public wartime industrial partnership, and a murky collaboration with Anonymous hackers. Oh, and with the rail gun--lots of focus on the rail gun. The story moves quickly and I burned through the pages as authors Singer and Cole keep the narrative moving with quick dialogue, myriad Sun-Tzu quotes, and sympathetic characters.

I am sure some might consider this book's scenario far-fetched but consider this quote from the novel:

“Trade is just trade. You know how I made the comparison between us today and the Brits a hundred years back,” said Simmons. “Well, who was Britain’s biggest trading partner before World War One? Germany. Or if you prefer World War Two as a comparison, Germany’s biggest trading partners just before the war were the very neighbors it soon invaded, while the U.S. was Japan’s.”

I won't ruin the ending but here are some of the author's biggest takeaways:

1. the U.S. military industrial complex is over reliant on Chinese/foreign parts
2. the U.S. surface fleet needs railguns, railguns and more railguns.
3. the U.S. surface fleet relies to heavily on technology that could be rendered useless in a concerted electronic attack.
4. Marines would be the best insurgents out there and our enemies' worst nightmare.
5. Chiefs.  The Navy will never win a war without chiefs.

My biggest takeaways:
1.  This needs to be a movie!
2. I wish there'd been more nautical quotes and less Sun-Tzu:)

NOTE: As I was writing this review I got so excited when my search results for "Ghost Fleet" showed a trailer for an upcoming movie.  My hopes were quickly crushed, however, when it turns out this is not an upcoming film adaptation of the novel but instead a documentary uncovering the slavery rampant throughout the Thai fishing industry.  While this is certainly an important topic, I had my heart set on seeing this novel on the big screen...maybe one day?

Check out this final piece of a trilogy written by Admiral James G. Foggo where he discusses Africa, Great Power Competition & the #USNavy. #NavyPartnershipshttps://t.co/gNa64q5XEh

— U.S. Naval Forces Europe-Africa/U.S. 6th Fleet (@USNavyEurope) September 26, 2019

See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Key Quotes:
Page: 16

About a hundred years back, the British Empire faced a problem much like ours today: How do you police an empire when you’ve got a shrinking economy relative to the world’s and a population no longer so excited to meet those old commitments?” 

Page: 22

“Trade is just trade. You know how I made the comparison between us today and the Brits a hundred years back,” said Simmons. “Well, who was Britain’s biggest trading partner before World War One? Germany. Or if you prefer World War Two as a comparison, Germany’s biggest trading partners just before the war were the very neighbors it soon invaded, while the U.S. was Japan’s.”

 Page: 183

“We need to become again the country that breaks the hard problems, that sees the virtue in innovation and the reward in risk,” he said. “If we do not succeed, then I worry that all truly is lost.”

 Page: 226

Use the normal force to engage; use the extraordinary to win. —SUN-TZU, THE ART OF WAR   (Note: This is the motto of the PLA Command Academy in Nanjing, displayed on its library wall.)

Page: 313

The anxiousness he felt at that one missing piece of data flow was a reminder of how quickly people took for granted the sea of information they floated

Key References (for further study)
NPS Launches Campus-Wide Course in Great Power Competition
This Is Not a Great-Power Competition Why the Term Doesn’t Capture Today’s Reality
Over Our Heads: How the Great Power Competition Is Extending Into Space (From RealClearDefense)
The New Concept Everyone in Washington Is Talking About
What’s Great Power Competition? No One Really Knows

Kruse's Keys: Read "The Heart of War" to Be a Staff Officer in the Pentagon

Fact: there’s no better rank in the Pentagon than that of a Lieutenant. As an LT in the Pentagon you’re something of a unicorn* in that there are more GOFOs (i.e., General Officer/Flag Officers) than there are LT’s in the building. Your so junior that virtually nothing is expected of you, and power and access so concentrated upwards in the food chain that difficult tasks and projects stay squarely in the upper O5/O6 echelon. No one is ever pressing for solutions from LT Whathisname. You are invisible. You’re not even responsible enough to make coffee.

So as a young lieutenant I had plenty of time to ponder the absurdities, catch-22s, and eccentricities of the Pentagon. I captured much of the Pentagon vocabulary with my Pentagonisms of the Week (POTW) posts in which I examined overwrought terms like “reaching out”, “circle the wagons”, “bandwidth”, or (ugh) “missionary work.” I even attempted to capture the humorous protesters one would encounter near the Pentagon entrance during the week with my Protester of the Week posts (also using the acronym POTW)--looking back at these posts, I was much snarkier in my youth. Ultimately I was bemused by the target audience the protesters chose, after all “the LTs through CAPTs using the Metro entrance aren’t influencing anyone beyond how much cream or coffee a Flag officer should have in his/her coffee that morning.”

All that to say, Mcinnis’ razor sharp, satirical story of a young, idealist, peacenik PhD’s foray into the Pentagon brought me back to my days inside the 5-sided torture chamber! “The Heart of War: Misadventures in the Pentagon” is a novel about one woman’s evolution? from skeptic to true (ish) believer as she discovers that life inside is nothing like she expected. One of the story’s strengths is that despite the building’s bureaucratic bloviations, the narrator Dr. Heather Reilly’s outlook never devolves into the jaded despair that seems to envelope many an officer stuck there for a three year tour. This narrative framing keeps the novel light and entertaining instead of the sad and frustrating tale it might be if a depressed, worn down, wizened colonel authored it. I’ve thought about the emotions this book made me feel for a few days now, and I think one of the strongest ones is that of exhilaration--author Kathleen Mcinnis has given a voice to the experiences, frustrations, battles, and victories to thousands of staff officers in a way that none of us on active duty are able to.

I only had two issues with the book (and to be clear these are just personal ones--hopefully none of us get in the habit of only reading things with which we completely agree): the first being that the narrator probably emerges as a bit more of an idealist than I’d care for. My experience has been that sometimes the system (i.e., the bureaucracy, the organization, the staff) is just flawed and accomplishes virtually nothing of real value--or worse makes things worse. In those cases, you are just trying to survive that tour with your personal relationships intact. My personal opinion is that the default outlook for senior officers is “the mission” or “the calling” to such a degree that they sacrifice everything for it at the expense of their family members. This was case with one of the story’s protagonists Colonel Voight whose wife leaves him but who Dr. Reilly is sure he can get back. After 30 years of relegating his wife to the second tier, I’m not so sure.

I had a mentor early in my career who gave me sage advice: You will be replaced and forgotten. What he meant by that was that no matter how great a staff officer you are, after three years someone will come along and replace you and do the job nearly as well and after her tour no one will even remember your name or the work you did. BUT your children will remember your presence at their lacrosse games and your wife will remember you making her a priority. And those are the people who will be around when you’ve retired from the military. So make career choices and make daily choices that reflect this reality.

And my second and last issue (SPOILER ALERT), why’d the villain have to be a naval officer:)! Everyone knows that Navy always plays the good guys!

*the only bigger unicorn in the Pentagon than a Lieutenant is a warrant officer, I only ever saw one once during my two year tour...and he was disappearing into an unmarked door on the basement level.

Key Takeaways (As you can see in my highlights below, Mcinnis managed to capture so many of the truths one encounters working the Pentagon):

On “bootlegging”: “sending stuff without permission from the higher-ups. It’s what makes this town work. Otherwise we’d never get anything done around here.”

On info memos: “One’s a cover memo. The second tab has the actual talkers.”

“These are written at a third-grade reading level.”

“Yep.”

“You know, Mongolia is a sovereign country. Some people have dedicated their entire careers to understanding Mongolia’s culture, government, and people…

And for whatever reason, everyone’s afraid to send a memo up the chain unless everyone agrees with what’s in there.” “Isn’t that a recipe for getting to the lowest common denominator, policy-wise?”

“Bingo. I’m pretty sure that most of the stuff we send up the chain is utterly unreadable.”

“No wonder we’re so screwed up.”

On pink-on-pink violence: “At first I thought you ladies would be nurturing towards each other. All that talk of women’s empowerment in the workplace, stuff like that. But wow, was I wrong. More often than not, you’re vicious with each other, and I have no idea why. I call it ‘pink-on-pink’ violence.”

On Truth: “Applied to government, all things being equal, the stupidest explanation must be true.”

On Routing Folders for Approval: “We have another problem.” “Of course we do.” “We’ve run out of ‘Tab A’ folders.” “What’s that got to do with anything?” “They’re folder-dividers. And god forbid we send a package up without the proper dividers.”

On Acronyms: “Acronyms?—whatever they are, I have no idea what they mean. ‘Building Partner Capacity?’ ‘MOOTW?’ What is this stuff?”

“You know, I have no idea either. I mean, I’ve heard people say this jargon before. Hell, I’ve even used it. But now that I think about it, nobody’s been able to actually explain it to me. Or, at least, not in a way that makes any sense.”

“All these words, they’re so vague that they’re meaningless.”

“That’s probably intentional,” Voight observed.

“Most things in this building are meaningless jargon,” Pumpkin said. “We have no idea what any of that stuff means either. We just know that the bosses like to say it a lot. Mostly because your bosses on the civilian side of the house like to hear them say it.

On The Suck: “Yep. Embrace the suck. Once you make peace with the fact that the Building will find new and inventive ways to make your life miserable, it gets a lot easier.”

On Colonels in the Pentagon: I’m a full-bird colonel. I’ve commanded an air wing. I don’t want to brag, but it’s generally considered a rank of authority. At least, outside of this god-forsaken place, it is.” “And?” “And this morning she made me carry her purse on the way to the meeting with the Georgians.”

On Army Staff: “I’m pretty sure that designation goes to the Army staff. Now there’s a soul-crushing place. I’m pretty sure their offices are located in the half corridor between the third and fourth rings of hell.”

On Prayers: “We’re here for prayers.” “But Voight, it’s a Friday night. And I’m not religious.” “Doesn’t matter.” “I don’t understand. Did the Australian Embassy somehow become a religious site and I didn’t notice?” “Ha! The Aussies? Never.” “Then what are we—” “‘Prayers’ is what the Aussies call their embassy’s happy hour.

On Voting: “Who votes on politics anymore? Our politics are so screwed up, I don’t know who stands for what.”

See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Related reads:


Catch-22
The Nightingale's Song
The War of the Encyclopaedists
The Line of Fire by ADM Crowe
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Redeployment


Key Quotes:

Kindle Location: 202

through the next set of security barriers and off to their offices in the great governmental beyond, I realized that I was standing in the center of bureaucratic purgatory.

Location: 338

“That’s it. That’s what these offices are like. An advent calendar. You never really know what’s behind each door unless you go in. There’s one around here that the fighter pilots turned into a man cave. Complete with a keg and an Xbox.”

Location: 1,112

“Apparently not. Which is frustrating. And the reports that my contacts in the State Department have been bootlegging me? They aren’t sticking.”

Location: 1,114

But what I was actually referring to is sending stuff without permission from the higher-ups. It’s what makes this town work. Otherwise we’d never get anything done around here.”

Location: 1,578

“Not quite, but close. One’s a cover memo. The second tab has the actual talkers.” “These are written at a third-grade reading level.” “Yep.” “You know, Mongolia is a sovereign country. Some people have dedicated their entire careers to understanding Mongolia’s culture, government, and people.”

Location: 1,587

their stamp on stuff. And for whatever reason, everyone’s afraid to send a memo up the chain unless everyone agrees with what’s in there.” “Isn’t that a recipe for getting to the lowest common denominator, policy-wise?” “Bingo. I’m pretty sure that most of the stuff we send up the chain is utterly unreadable.” “No wonder we’re so screwed up.”

Location: 1,664

“Really. Which, by the way, is something that we’ve gotta fix, in my opinion. But I digress. At first I thought you ladies would be nurturing towards each other. All that talk of women’s empowerment in the workplace, stuff like that. But wow, was I wrong. More often than not, you’re vicious with each other, and I have no idea why. I call it ‘pink-on-pink’ violence.”

Location: 1,747

must be true.” “Right. Applied to government, all things being equal, the stupidest explanation must be true.”

Location: 1,874

privilege of exposing myself to this idiocy. Speaking of, we have another problem.” “Of course we do.” “We’ve run out of ‘Tab A’ folders.” “What’s that got to do with anything?” “They’re folder-dividers. And god forbid we send a package up without the proper dividers.”

Location: 1,985

“Because I have no idea what half of these—words? Acronyms?—whatever they are, I have no idea what they mean. ‘Building Partner Capacity?’ ‘MOOTW?’ What is this stuff?” “You know, I have no idea either. I mean, I’ve heard people say this jargon before. Hell, I’ve even used it. But now that I think about it, nobody’s been able to actually explain it to me. Or, at least, not in a way that makes any sense.” “All these words, they’re so vague that they’re meaningless.” “That’s probably intentional,” Voight observed.

Location: 1,996

“So tell me: Why do we need to talk to the Joint Staff? Can’t we take care of this without them?” “Well, my dear Dr. Reilly, the thing about the Joint Staff is that, unlike OSD, their different sections actually talk to each other, rather than hoard information like it’s leprechaun gold.”

Location: 2,028

“Most things in this building are meaningless jargon,” Pumpkin said. “We have no idea what any of that stuff means either. We just know that the bosses like to say it a lot. Mostly because your bosses on the civilian side of the house like to hear them say it. We’re good to let you guys spin up, changing ‘happy’ to ‘glad’ and having fights about the definition of ‘is.’ It keeps you Policy guys busy. And the busier you are, the less likely it is that you’ll do something that affects our equities.”

Location: 2,037

“You know how it works up there,” Voight said. “Information flows up, not down. If we rely on our bosses to tell us anything, it’ll be at least a week and a half before we have a clue what happened.”

Location: 2,060

“Good to go,” I said after correcting the mistake. I sat back in my chair. Afghanistan was falling apart, but I’d spent the morning chasing after information my boss probably should have told me, on an issue that seemed to pale in comparison to the Islamic State trying to take over another country.

Location: 2,109

“Yep. Embrace the suck. Once you make peace with the fact that the Building will find new and inventive ways to make your life miserable, it gets a lot easier.”

Location: 2,348

The National Military Command Center was one of the most important places in the entire Department of Defense. If the Joint Staff was the backbone of the U.S. military, the NMCC was its brain.

Location: 2,367

The only difference between this office and every other in the Pentagon that I’d seen so far was that the men and women in the NMCC had darker circles under their eyes, paler skin, and deeper grimaces etched on their faces. It was as if the NMCC was turning everyone into their own personal versions of Gollum.

Location: 2,550

“Let me put it this way. I’m a full-bird colonel. I’ve commanded an air wing. I don’t want to brag, but it’s generally considered a rank of authority. At least, outside of this god-forsaken place, it is.” “And?” “And this morning she made me carry her purse on the way to the meeting with the Georgians.”

Location: 2,584

“We’re here for prayers.” “But Voight, it’s a Friday night. And I’m not religious.” “Doesn’t matter.” “I don’t understand. Did the Australian Embassy somehow become a religious site and I didn’t notice?” “Ha! The Aussies? Never.” “Then what are we—” “‘Prayers’ is what the Aussies call their embassy’s happy hour.

Location: 2,611

“Did you know that the British Embassy in Washington was considered a ‘tropical hardship’ posting until the 1970s?”

Location: 2,954

Leg Affairs probably isn’t the worst place in the building to work. I’m pretty sure that designation goes to the Army staff. Now there’s a soul-crushing place. I’m pretty sure their offices are located in the half corridor between the third and fourth rings of hell.”

Location: 2,997

But perhaps the clearest indicator of his status within the Senate: his nearly unobstructed view of the Capitol Building from his office’s large windows.

Location: 3,226

“Well, that too. But I was actually going to say that there are three rules to travelling with the Secretary of Defense.” “Which are?” “One, never miss the convoy. Two, never miss the convoy, and three, never miss the convoy.”

Location: 3,474

“Who votes on politics anymore? Our politics are so screwed up, I don’t know who stands for what.”

Location: 4,506

The Trotsky quote hummed through my mind: “You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you.”

Kruse's Keys: Read "Hillbilly Elegy" to Be Inspired and Saddened

I read J.D. Vance's 2016 memoir "of a family and culture in crisis" in less than two days.  Vance is just a flatout great writer as he tells the story of his life growing up between the Ohio and Kentucky along the redneck Rt. 23.

Amidst all the controversy that surrounded this book's publication in 2016, it's important to understand that this is Vance's story--while he offers commentary of the culture in which he was raised--he's clear that this "hillbilly culture" covers a wide array of experiences and he's only speaking from his own experience. 

His basic argument is that one of the major issues plaguing Appalachian American is the people there feel hopeless and disenfranchised (and not just politically but in all facets of life).  In short, they feel like their choices don't matter.

In Vance's case the only way he was able to rise above these circumstances was due to the reliable and persistent presence of a family member throughout his immediate family's tumultuous arc.  Oh, that and a stint in the Marine Corps. 

All in all, an important book that I read in three days but which I'll be digesting for years to come.

Related Reads:
Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmywn Ward


The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Dickerson


American Rust by Philipp Meyer



See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Key Quotes:

• I'm not saying ability doesn't matter.  It certainly helps.  But there's something powerful about realizing that you've undersold yourself--that somehow your mind confused lack for effort for inability.  This is why, whenever people ask me what I'd most like to change about the white working class, I say, "The feeling that our choices don't matter." The Marine Corps excised that feeling like a surgeon does a tumor. (177)
• People sometimes ask whether I think there's anything we can do to "solve" the problems of my community. I know what they're looking for: a magical public policy solution or innovative government program.  But these problems of faith, family, and culture aren't like a Rubik's cube, and I don't think that solutions (as most understand the term) really exist.  A good friend, who worked for a time in the White House and cares deeply about the plight of the working class, once told me: "The best way to look at this might be to recognize that you probably can't fix these things. They'll always be around. But maybe you can put your thumb on the scale a little for the people at the margins." (238)

Related:
"Winter's Bone"
"Justified"
"The Warmth of Other Suns"

Kruse's Keys: Read "Where the Crawdads Sing" To Be Transported Way Over Yonder

I read this beautiful lyrical book in two days--no exaggeration.

"Where the Crawdads Sing" is equal parts murder mystery, searing social indictment, love letter to naturalism, and soaring poetry.  It's amazing that this is author Delia Owens first work of fiction!  She writers with grace and beauty and crafts a narrative that immediately draws in the reader and keeps them turning the pages.

About the narrative--this is the story of a young girl (Kya) abandoned in the swampy wild marshes of North Carolina who not only survives, but thrives despite these dire circumstances.  Along the way she falls in love more than a few times and eventually finds herself facing a set of murder charges.  I'm hesitant to share much more than that as far as the story goes because it's just that good!




See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Key Quotes:

• Just forget it. No god's gonna come to this garden. (70)
• I don't know how to do life without grits. (74)
• Go out as far as you can--way out yonder where the crawdads sing. (111)
• She laughed for his sake, something she'd never done.  Giving away another piece of herself just to have someone else. (177)

Kruse's Keys: Read "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" Every Year!

I first wrote read this book back in 2015 and wrote about it here in a post. It's so important to fathers out there that I put in my yearly re-reading list (although it took me four years to read it again)!

In my second reading of this book, it proved to be just as powerful, profound and insightful. The bottom line is that you can't underestimate the role of a father in his daughters' lives. You have to fight for her, engage with her, and continually draw her close to you throughout her life (particularly during those teen years). Don't worry about what other parents do--you worry about your daughter. I'm putting a calendar reminder this summer to give this book another read!


See our 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 Reading Lists.

Related reads:
Humilitas by John Dickson



Related quotes:
Humility, virtue of: "Never seem wiser or more learned than the people you are with."
-Lord Chesterfield, 1748

Key quotes:
His tone, his inflection, and his confidence had an amazing impact as well. Page: 3

He knew that we needed time to be together. In the same camp. In the same dining room. On the same hiking trails or in the same canoes. Page: 4

What you say in a sentence, communicate with a smile, or do with regard to family rules has infinite importance for your daughter. Page: 5


The epicenter of her tiny world is you. Friends, family members, teachers, professors, or coaches will influence her to varying degrees, but they won’t knead her character. You will. Because you are her dad. Page: 8

Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. Page: 8

You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives no other man. Page: 10

Shocking young children breaks their healthy sense of modesty. That modesty serves a protective function. Page: 11

Sex education curricula generally follow the guidelines of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. SIECUS is a nonprofit advocacy group that proposes to “assist children in understanding a positive view of sexuality, provide them with information and skills about taking care of their sexual health, and help them acquire skills to make decisions now and in the future.” Page: 14

Studies show that the amount of sexual content increased from 67 percent in 1998 to 77 percent in 2005.2 If you grew up in the 1960s or 1970s, the amount of sexual content was, comparatively, virtually nonexistent. Page: 17

Anna was having a tough time, but think about her poor dad. For the last two months, in her mind, he had been a sex-crazed, woman-abusing rapist. And he didn’t have a clue what was going on. Does television have an effect on your little girl? You bet it does. But you hold all the power. Page: 18

(A word of advice to make your life easier: don’t let your daughter have a TV, or a computer, in her room. Save TV time for family time when you or your wife can decide what to watch.) Page: 18

Even though she may not participate in ugly stuff, it’s all around her: sexual promiscuity, alcohol abuse, foul language, illegal drugs, and predatory boys and men who want only to take something from her. Page: 25

Your daughter will view this time spent with you vastly differently than you do. Over the years, in erratic bursts and in simple ordinary life together, she will absorb your influence. She will watch every move you make. She might not understand why you are happy or angry, dishonest or affectionate, but you will be the most important man in her life, forever. Page: 26

When she is twenty-five, she will mentally size her boyfriend or husband up against you. When she is thirty-five, the number of children she has will be affected by her life with you. The clothes she wears will reflect something about you. Even when she is seventy-five, how she faces her future will depend on some distant memory of time you spent together. Be it good or painful, the hours and years you spend with her—or don’t spend with her—change who she is. Page: 27

He wasn’t concerned with what family and friends would think. He didn’t worry about how the expulsion would change her future. He was worried about her. Page: 28

You have to—because, unfortunately, we have a popular culture that’s not healthy for girls and young women, and there is only one thing that stands between it and your daughter. You. Page: 29

And you should know that being a twenty-first-century hero is tough stuff. It requires emotional fortitude, mental self-control, and physical restraint. It means walking into embarrassing, uncomfortable, or even life-threatening situations in order to rescue your daughter. Page: 30


The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will—and that’s when trouble starts. Don’t let that happen. Page: 31

Authority is not a threat to your relationship with your daughter—it is what will bring you closer to your daughter, and what will make her respect you more. Page: 31

Your natural instinct is to protect your daughter. Forget what pop culture and pop psychologists tell you. Do it. Page: 32

So remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? Make sure she knows the answer is yes. Page: 34

Your daughter needs your guideposts of right and wrong, of proper and improper behavior. When she hits third grade or high school or marriage—all new experiences for her—she needs to know what you think is best for her. You’ve been there before. She trusts your opinion. So let her know. Don’t be afraid. Page: 35

Do a gut check on your own beliefs, and think of what sort of woman you want your daughter to be. She’ll learn not only from what you say, but from what you do. Page: 36

One of the best things fathers can do is raise their daughters’ expectations of life. Page: 36

Fathers need to be strict, but they also need to be kind, accepting, and loving. It’s a matter of balance. The don’ts are easy. Don’t let your daughter think of you as the enemy. Page: 39

A sexual assault is possibly the most traumatic event a girl can experience. Now consider that many psychologists and psychiatrists say your response to your daughter’s assault is as important as the event itself to your daughter’s future emotional health. This makes sense, and here’s why. Page: 40

Dad, it’s not optional: your daughter needs you to be her hero. Page: 40

Perseverance Page: 40

Fathers get tired. Daughters can become defiant, manipulative, and wear their fathers down. This is where perseverance comes in. Page: 41

Sure, other kids are experimenting with sex and drugs and alcohol, but other kids aren’t your daughter. And your daughter will respect you more if you don’t give in. Page: 41


her boyfriend, and care more about her—and what’s right for her—than other people. Let me tell you a secret about daughters of all ages: they love to boast about how tough their dads are—not just physically, but how strict and demanding they are. Cn mPage: 42

If you only had to fight for her once, twice, or even ten times, the process wouldn’t be so tough. But you might have to fight for her two hundred times. You only have eighteen short years before she is on her own. If you don’t show her the high road now, she won’t find it later. Page: 47

True masculinity is the moral exercise of authority. Page: 47

Here are a few pointers that all dads should have. Page: 47

Make a plan. Page: 47

Have courage under fire. Page: 47

Be the leader. Page: 48

4. Don’t cave, persevere. Page: 48

Parents often say that kids are resilient in crises like divorce. But they’re not; kids just don’t have a choice. You do. Page: 49

The love you give her is her starting point. You have other loves in your life, but she doesn’t. Every man who enters her life will be compared to you; To be certain your daughter feels loved by you, here are some practical steps you can take. Page: 50

Words
good rule of thumb is to use twice as many words as you normally would, even if it means just saying things twice. Daughters can be prone to self-doubt. Pay her compliments repeatedly, so she knows you’re sincere. Page: 51


In return, you need, first and foremost, to tell her you love her. Not just on special occasions, but regularly. That might be easy when she’s five, but she needs to hear it even more when she is fifteen. Page: 51

When a daughter hears “I love you” from her father, she feels complete. Page: 52

Keep your comments positive, keep them on these qualities, and you can’t lose. Page: 52

Instead of saying, “I love you because you’re so beautiful,” tell her that you love her because there is no one else in the world like her. Page: 52

Fences Page: 53

Tell your teenagers that the boundaries you’ve erected aren’t about trust, but are about keeping them safe and moving them in the right direction. We all have boundaries that we respect because life is safer that way. Page: 55

Fathers often overestimate their daughters’ maturity. We’re all taught that girls mature faster than boys, which is partly true. But researchers now know that some girls don’t develop adult cognitive skills until their early twenties. Page: 56

Many fathers fear that enforcing rules on their daughters will only make them rebel. Some daughters do rebel—but not because of rules. They rebel because the rules aren’t balanced by anything else. Rules can’t be the center of your relationship. That’s where love comes in.Page: 56

Silence

Many fathers complain that their teenage daughters won’t talk to them. They’re usually wrong. It’s just that these fathers have discouraged their daughters from talking to them. Daughters won’t talk if they know the result will be only constant reprimand and correction. Daughters want their fathers to listen while they unravel their own tangled feelings and beliefs. If a daughter can trust her dad to listen, she will come to him again and again to talk. Page: 57

Time

So you have to take the initiative to spend time alone with her. Page: 57

All she wants is your attention. And she needs it on a regular basis. Page: 58

Keep one-on-one time simple. Avoid activities that put you in competition with your daughter. Always use this time for emotional balance, for relaxing and having fun. You can work out conflicts later. Page: 59

With overwhelming evidence, the study shows that kids who feel connected to their parents (and who spend more time with them) fare much better than kids who don’t. Parents keep kids out of trouble; parental influence can be more important than pressure; and specifically, daughters who spend more time with their fathers are less likely to drink, take drugs, have sex as teenagers, or have out-of-wedlock babies. Your time with her matters. Page: 59

Will

How do you do that? Discipline. Grit. Will. If you need to distance yourself emotionally for a time, do it. If you need physical separation for a bit, okay. But always come back. Will, patience, calm, and persistence will pay off in your relationship with her. Nothing better expresses serious love than this combination of qualities. Let her know that nothing she can do, even running away, getting pregnant, tattooing her ankle, or piercing her tongue, can make you stop loving her. Say that if you need to. Page: 61

Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her. Page: 63

You will always be your daughter’s first love. And what a great privilege—and opportunity to be a hero—that is. Page: 63

because according to all the best scientific research, no one has a more powerful effect in preventing and helping her recover from eating disorders than you do. Page: 64

Anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are complicated illnesses. Researchers believe that eating disorders are hard to detect because most of them are subclinical.4 Girls hide their eating disorders so well. Even while they are in a mental and emotional cage, stuck with obsessive thoughts and behaviors, they try to hide. It’s especially hard for dads to understand that their daughters’ addiction to starving feels so good to them. Page: 70

Here are some practical things that you can do. Page: 70

Make Time Count Page: 71
So how do you form that strong attachment? First, when you are with her, pay attention to her. Don’t tune her out and think about something else while she’s talking, don’t ignore her when she’s sitting next to you at a baseball game, and don’t think she won’t notice if you don’t focus on her. Do activities that the two of you can enjoy together. Page: 71

you end up arguing about her boyfriend, that’s all right, because even arguing is a form of connection. Page: 72

Listen to Her Page: 72

Girls like to talk more than boys—including dads—do. It’s healthy for girls to talk a lot, but it can be a problem for you because men are experts at tuning people out. Page: 72

I can guarantee you one thing: if you listen to your daughter attentively for ten minutes every day, by the end of the month you’ll have a completely new relationship with her. Page: 73

If you stay with her, look at her, and listen to her, she’ll keep coming back for more. Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she’ll become more comfortable expressing her feelings. Finally, because you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think that boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are). That’s a good attitude for her to have, and one that can protect her in the long run.Page: 73

Fence Her In Page: 73

Remember that whatever she says, the very fact that you thoughtfully and consistently enforce rules of behavior makes her feel loved and valued.Page: 74

The Importance of WordsPage: 74

Be calm, patient, and frank. Tell her that women in magazines aren’t the best role models, that people who judge everyone on their looks probably have terrible self-esteem issues.Page: 74

1. Don’t comment frequently on how she looks. 2. Don’t comment on your own need to diet. 3. Don’t make derogatory comments about her body. Many fathers think they are being cute when they tell their daughters they have cute butts, strong thighs, and so on. Page: 75

Don’t comment frequently about her clothes. Page: 75

5. Don’t constantly focus on the importance of exercise. Page: 75

6. Don’t make her feel she needs to do things to get your attention. Give it to her naturally, just as part of everyday life. Page: 75

The Importance of Will Page: 76

To love your daughter well, to draw her close to you, to strengthen the bond between the two of you, you must have a will of steel. There will be times when you’ll want to walk out. Don’t. Take a break instead. There will be times when you’ll want to scream. Don’t. Have a plan for when you think you’re going to lose it—and practice it. There will be times when you don’t feel like expressing your love for your daughter. But do it. It will make you both feel better. Page: 76

Love is really about self-sacrifice. Page: 77

Teach Her Humility Page: 77

Teaching humility will demand more of you as a father than that. Humility doesn’t make sense unless it is modeled. If you want your daughter to love reading, you must read. If you want her to be athletic, go for a run. The same is true with humility. If you live it, she will get it. Remember, she is a dry sponge following you around, waiting to see what you think, feel, and do. Page: 78

Humility Makes Her Feel Significant Page: 79

Humility is seeing ourselves honestly. It keeps us in the real world. Because we want our daughters to excel at everything they do, to be prettier, smarter, better than everyone else, we can confuse our priorities—and theirs. Page: 80

Humility brings with it deep joy and satisfaction because it keeps us from becoming manically self-absorbed. Page: 80

know that she’s valuable not only for what she does, but for who she is. Here is your chance to teach her one of life’s greatest lessons: people are valuable because they’re human, not because of what they do.Page: 81

Can a woman be both gorgeous and humble? Can your daughter be brilliant, in passionate pursuit of a successful career, but still appreciate that she alone is not wholly responsible for her success? Absolutely. Humility will make your daughter’s accomplishments shine all the more, and she will be more emotionally grounded, more satisfied, and happier than if she had tried to imitate Paris Hilton’s life.Page: 82

Humility levels the playing field. This can make the insecure bully feel frightened. But it is the truth. And truth keeps us living in reality. It keeps us from being absorbed by a life of spite and self-destruction Page: 82

No one can be happy in isolation. We were not made for isolation. Page: 83

The great theologian Oswald Chambers says, “It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us but what God puts into us.” God has filled your daughter with unimaginable gifts. Humility teaches her that these are in fact “gifts” for which she should be grateful, not proud.Page: 86

The problem with making happiness her goal is the lack of guardrails. A goal of happiness can become a justification for self-indulgence. It can encourage selfishness. It can be how children become “spoiled.” And, most important, it can actually lead to unhappiness, as there are no limits to a child’s—or an adult’s— “wants,” and these wants never ultimately satisfy a deeper need. So happiness remains out of reach. Page: 87

If you think about this, it makes perfect sense. Self-indulgence is easy and takes no strength of character. Page: 87

consider depression in teenage girls an STD, because it is almost always linked to underage sex.)Page: 89

By far and away the most destructive lesson popular culture imbeds in our little girls’ minds is that they deserve more. They have a right to things and your responsibility as a parent is to provide those things. That’s what good parents, she thinks, are supposed to do in the twenty-first century Page: 91

She fails to consider the needs of others. It is as simple as that. Since she was born, her intuition told her to take what she needed, hold onto it, and get more. Those were the desires that drove her behavior. And everything in her environment fed that drive. Stores fed it by supplying fresh new things. Schools fed it by not holding her to high standards of behavior. And her parents fed it by desperately wanting to be good parents and giving her everything they thought she needed or desired. Page: 91

Humility is tough and it takes a lifetime to learn, so get going. Remember that if you don’t, she will suffer more than anyone else. You need to set, as early in her life as you can, what the priorities for your family are. Do you want the center of the family’s life to be the children? Should it be you, or you and your wife, or God? If you don’t clearly establish your family’s priorities, your daughter and your other children will. They can get very, very vocal. Page: 92

She’s a kid. You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism into her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always to think about other people, to put herself in their shoes, to know that everyone—her friends, neighbors, and sister and brother—is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living to the fullest as a caring, social being. If you teach your daughter to be good rather than simply happy, she will become both. Teaching your daughter humility is a wonderful gift. And it can be taught only by example. Page: 94

Many parents don’t talk to their daughters because they feel guilty. I often hear, “How do I tell my daughter not to have sex in high school when I was sexually active in high school?” Face it: whatever you did then does not disqualify you from being a good father now. Your daughter is at risk. You need to protect her. And honestly, she doesn’t want to hear about your sex life. Page: 95

What she wants to know from you is what the rules are. When is it appropriate to have sex and why? Page: 95

Reiterate to her that sex isn’t a simple bodily function—it is powerfully linked to her feelings, thoughts, and character. Tell her that a lot of what she hears and sees about sex is simply wrong. Keep it straightforward, loving, and respectable.Page: 96

Few dads realize how important hugging is to their daughters, but I’ve heard countless girls tell me they had sex with a boy (not even a boyfriend) simply for the physical contact, because their fathers never hugged them or showed them affection. Her body starves for you to hug her.Page: 97

It can be an uphill fight. Television commercials about ecstasy-inducing shampoo might not seem like a big deal to you, but you need to remember that your seven-year-old daughter is learning that being “sexy” is very important. Page: 98

Teenage girls tell me routinely that they think they have to have sex to be accepted, cool, desirable, and sophisticated. They don’t believe this because they’re teenagers—they believe it because they’ve been told it, with nauseating repetition, from magazines, movies, music, and television from the time they were little. I see this all the time in young girls. When they first try sex—not necessarily intercourse—they are curious and usually very disappointed. The disappointment makes them feel that something is wrong with them, because everyone else says it’s great. So they try it again and again. In very short order they become emotionally dulled. Their instincts tell them that intimacy with another person has occurred, but their mind senses that no love was exchanged, no commitment was made, no emotional depth was involved. They become confused about love because sex came before love. Page: 99

When battles do heat up, however, you have to kick into high gear. Don’t be mean, loud, or aggressive. Kindness and strength in your beliefs work better. When your sixteen-year-old bounces into the kitchen with a bikini barely covering her large breasts and pubic area, smile and tell her that it’s a gorgeous color, but the suit is too scant for her beautiful body. Tell her she needs to find a more modest suit that won’t make other girls feel jealous. When she is twenty-five, she’ll thank you. Standing guard over your daughter’s sexuality is tough. It is nothing short of war. But teaching her that modesty is a strength and not a commodity of the prudish will pay off with enormous dividends. Page: 104

Over time, I found an obvious correlation among my patients: if they were sexually active, they were at high risk for depression. Page: 105

Fathers can ensure that their daughters grow up with healthy ideas about sexuality. You can guide your daughter to make smart decisions about sex. You know that your teenage girl shouldn’t be popping birth control pills, applying condoms, and being treated for STDs. She deserves better than that. If you as a father saw what I see every week in my medical practice, you would know what to do. And you’d succeed.Page: 108

So, dad, you must help her, teach her to wait. Even Dr. Julie Gerberding, the head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, says so. Recently she wrote a letter to Congress about preventing HPV infections in young women. Why? Because infections are out of control and women (particularly young women) bear the brunt of the problems incurred by these infections. I was privileged to testify at the congressional hearing and this is essentially what Dr. Gerberding said: She told Congress that HPV causes cervical cancer in women and that we need to curb the spread of the virus. The best way, she said, was to have women reduce the number of sexual partners to as few as possible and to delay the onset of sexual activity as long as possible. Also, women should avoid sexual contact with an infected person. (The problem, however, is that HPV doesn’t cause symptoms unless it is the strain that causes warts, and these strains don’t cause cancer. Moreover, only 1 percent of HPV infections cause warts.) Page: 111

Researchers have known for a long time that teenage sexual activity and depression are linked, but the question was which came first—the sex or the depression. Page: 111

The findings were so clear that the authors said that girls who are engaging in sexual activity should be screened for depression. The researchers’ findings confirm my own clinical experience. Page: 116

1. Teach self-respect early. Page: 116

2. When she dates, sweep the garage. Page: 117

If a boyfriend picks your daughter up at home, don’t let him wait in the car and honk the horn. Make him come in and see you. Before the two of them leave, ask your daughter what time she’ll be home.Page: 117

Over and over again nice girls tell me how they date boys they don’t like and have sex with boys only because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s exactly why you need to protect your daughter from herself. Remind boys that you—not your daughter—will hold them accountable for their behavior.Page: 117

3. Plan with her. Teach your daughter that sex is for later. Let her know that her body isn’t ready—and neither are her emotions. Page: 118

Let her know that the longer she waits, the better. Page: 118

Even if a ring or necklace helps your daughter wait only a year or two longer, that’s a victory. Page: 119

4. Say something. Page: 121

Let me put it this way. If you don’t want your daughter to be sexually active in high school, you need to tell her, you need to teach her. Otherwise, she will be. Popular culture trains our daughters for a life of promiscuity. Page: 126

I think then it dawned on Leslie that even God, the perfect father, had children who misbehaved terribly. Page: 127

My point is that fathers are often the ones who bring pragmatism and solutions to family discussions. Men see problems differently than women do. Women analyze and want to understand; men want to solve—they want to do something. This often annoys wives and daughters, who can get swept up in thoughts and emotions, and conclude, as Leslie did, that you “just don’t get it, do you?” or even that you’re uncaring or heartless. But that’s only because you’re less interested in talking about a problem than in doing something about it. Page: 127

A girlfriend of mine quipped that there are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through their own hard work; they are in charge of their own happiness. Page: 128

But here’s where dad comes in. When your daughter daydreams about the sort of girl she wants to be and what she should expect from life, she takes her cues from you. If you teach your daughter—even inadvertently—that other people exist to serve her needs and desires, she will grow to expect that from others. If you teach her that life has limits and that not all her needs or desires can or should be met, she will learn to accept realism, and she will not live expecting—or waiting for—others to be servants to the princess. Page: 129

The damage comes when a loving father indulges a daughter to the point that she expects always to be on the receiving end, and that all her material, physical, or emotional needs are to be taken care of by someone else. What or how much you give her doesn’t matter as much as the way in which you give. I have seen many wealthy girls grow up unspoiled and many poor girls become demanding, selfish grown-ups. Page: 129

The trick is to teach her that gifts, love, and attention are wonderful, but that she is not the center of the world. You want to teach her to appreciate these things and be humbly thankful for them. You do not want her to feel entitled to and selfishly focused on them.Page: 129

As a dad, whenever your daughter is in a tough situation, all you have to do is ask her this simple question: “So what can you do about it?” And it’s worth asking that question in situations throughout her life. Page: 130

Action means that your daughter will know that she, not others, will determine her fate. Page: 133

Home is work too, because just as people need you to do things at work, your wife and your daughters need you to do things at home. Not just fixing things around the house, but being the man they need you to be. That can sometimes mean intervening in their disputes and helping them solve their problems. Page: 136

I am convinced that if fathers recruited even 20 percent of the intellectual, physical, mental, and even emotional energy they spend at work and applied it to their relationships at home, we would live in an entirely different country. I’m not referring to coming home and doing more chores around the house, the yard, or at your kids’ schools. I’m talking about truly engaging with your family as a husband and father. Much of what you can do for your daughter is simply to engage her in conversation and listen. Men often talk little, but they listen more. Your problem-solving brain can analyze what your daughter tells you, and you can help her think of ways to smooth over volatile situations Page: 144

Divorce is really the central problem that has created a generation of young adults who are at higher risk for chaotic relationships, sexually transmitted diseases, and confusion about life’s purpose. But that’s where fathers who stay engaged with their families can make all the difference.Page: 149

In saving Ada and his marriage, did medicine, psychotherapy, faith, and friends help Alex? Yes, they all helped in part. But ultimately, Alex restored his family because he refused to relinquish his daughter. He determined how to help her and then he steeled his will to do it, because that’s what strong fathers do.Page: 152

Before your daughter marries, you need to be that man. You need to ask yourself: Do I live my life as a father with integrity? Am I honest? Do I work hard for her and my family? Am I loving and protective of my wife and daughter? These are very tough questions, but if you want a healthy marriage for your daughter, this is where it begins. A healthy marriage is based on respect. You want to have your daughter’s respect, and if you model integrity, you will—and you will teach her to expect it in her future husband. Choosing a spouse is the one of the most important of life’s decisions. Careers don’t bear children, fill you with exuberance, or bring you soup in bed. Spouses do. And you are the man who will teach your daughter about men.Page: 158

If you let your daughter and son know that pornography is a struggle for every man and boy, and show them that it can be dealt with and avoided, you will give them unmatched power to confront the hard things in life. Page: 158

Every father wants a son-in-law who has nothing to hide and whose relationship with his daughter will be founded on truth. All secrets hurt. So talk to your wife about this. Make an agreement to have no secrets between you. Practice this. Then watch what happens to your daughter. If you live a life without secrets, she probably will too. If you expect her to hide nothing, she is much more likely to come clean about drinking and other dangerous behavior. But if she finds out that you (or her mom) are living with serious secrets—and kids almost always find out—she will likely do the same. Page: 159

you hide things, so will her husband.Page: 164

People Come First Page: 164

His example will teach his daughter an important lesson about life’s priorities. But if you don’t reconcile your wants and desires with honesty, integrity, and humility, your daughter won’t either—and nor will the man she chooses to marry. Page: 166

You don’t have to worry about losing material things; your life won’t collapse without them. You can treat them as gifts and focus on the loving relationships that are really important, for they are the greatest gifts.Page: 166

Teach her that she is enough.Page: 166

She needs to know this so that when she chooses a husband, she will look for another man who considers her a gift, who considers her “enough.” Page: 167

As a father you have to live with this tension. You want to keep her safe but you want her to be independent. You want her to be bold, but not careless. You want her to love but not to be too needy. Page: 167

Courageous men take stock and do what is right. Integrity is not complete without humility. True humility comes from finding that balance between who you are and what the world is. And the great reward is that humble fathers are wonderful to be around. Page: 167

suffocating love. You will want to protect her. She needs you to fight for her and to care, to be there for her, to be strong. She wants the world to know that if you mess with her, you mess with her dad. Don’t let her down. Fathers who shrug their shoulders and turn away leave their daughters feeling crushed.Page: 168

Listen to your instincts and err on the side of protecting your daughter. It is a common mistake of fathers to back away from their daughters tooPage: 168

fast and too soon. Please, please don’t. You’re not being overprotective or overbearing if you keep her from learning the hard way that drinking too much is dangerous, even life-threatening. Protect her, but do so subtly and wisely. Be there. Be the man of integrity, with reason and with muscles, to keep her pointed in the right direction. Page: 175

If you want her to marry a man with integrity, a man who will try to love her well, a man who will exercise courage with his family, protect her, and embody manly humility rather than arrogant narcissism, then show her integrity. Teach her to love life more than she fears it. Show her the integrity that means you have nothing to hide. Show her the love that puts family before material possessions. Show her strength of character and she will incorporate it into her own persona. Page: 177

Teach Her Who God Is Page: 189

One more thing about hope. Girls make a lot of mistakes as they grow up, as we all do. Part of your job as her father is to teach her how to fail well. Page: 189

In order to grow stronger from her mistakes and move forward in an emotionally healthy manner, three things must take place. First, she’s got to admit the mistake.Page: 189

Second, she must say she’s sorry—to you, to whomever she hurt, even to herself. This last gesture is extremely important for teen girls who are sensitive. Page: 190

Third, she needs to begin her life again, to move forward with a fresh start. Repeatedly I have seen girls, patients of mine, who want to say they’re sorry and move forward, but they haven’t a clue how to do this; Page: 191

but, well, you see, every morning, my dad and I were the first ones up in our house. I got up after him. Anyway, when I would come downstairs, I always saw him sitting in his chair all alone in the living room. He would be praying. I knew because he had his eyes closed. Or sometimes he would be reading the Bible or a book about the Bible. I knew never to interrupt him. Page: 192

Anyway, every day I went off to school, I felt so good knowing that my dad had gone to his chair and, I’m sure, prayed for me that day. I can’t tell you how good that felt. Somehow, I know that helping poor people, particularly poor kids, would make him really happy. Page: 202

Women tend to want more intense relationships. Men tend to want peace and quiet away from work. And both often feel like they are being shortchanged. Page: 202

Your job, as a man, as her father, is to help her keep her emotions in check. Page: 203

So first you need to train her to assess her impulses: Are they good or are they bad? Are they encouraging her to be stronger or weaker? Then you must help her identify thoughts, emotions, and desires that should be weeded out, one at a time. Help her to clarify her thinking, help her keep it simple. And once you do that, teach her to fight. Let her know that you and she are on the same side. Let her know that you will defend her from a very toxic, woman-unfriendly culture. Page: 204

Help your daughter find the balance between feelings, reason, and will. Don’t just tell her; show her, in your own behavior, how that balance can be found.Page: 207

Be savvy in choosing your battles. In general, if her food choices, her hairstyle, or her taste in music annoy you, you can let these go (unless they are part of a larger problem—like an eating disorder or hanging out with a bad crowd). Save your energy for the bigger issues that you absolutely need to focus on: honesty, integrity, courage, and humility.Page: 208

Clarify Your Morals (without apology) Page: 208

She wants to see conviction and leadership in her father. She might discard your beliefs when she’s older, but at least she’ll know where you stand. Don’t throw her into a wasteland of equivocation by saying, “Well, that depends on how you feel, or how you look at things.” Give her something with which to agree or disagree.Page: 209

Your daughter needs to know your standards, because everyone else is trying to sell her theirs. Here are a few of the most common ones you’ll have to battle.Page: 210

“I Need to Be Beautiful”Page: 211

Your daughter’s desire to look beautiful is fine if you, as her father, help direct it.Page: 213

“I Need to Be Sexy”Page: 214

Don’t make her feel bad about her desire to be attractive. Just affirm that modesty is attractive too—and more self-respecting.Page: 215

“I Need to Be Independent”Page: 216

Your thirteen-year-old needs you even more than your six-year-old does. Be there for her.Page: 216

“I Need More”Page: 216
The problem is not in having things. The problem is thinking that “things” will make you happier.Page: 216

“I Can’t Say No” Page: 218

Finally, remember, nice girls die in car accidents. Nice girls get pregnant. Nice girls fall for bad boys. Teaching your daughter to say no could save her life. Page: 219

Chapter Ten Keep Her Connected Page: 220

Parent connectedness: mothers and fathers staying together, and mothers and fathers spending time with their kids. And no one is more important to a daughter than her father. You don’t need to read all the studies and psychology books to know what to do. Our cold little girls connected with their dad on that chilly June night. All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with her. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.Page: 220

Work, Play, and Plan Page: 220

Fathers like to do things outside the house, so here’s a tip: take your daughter with you.Page: 222

You need to spend time together having fun.Page: 229

Can you connect with your daughter? Absolutely. Keep it simple. Make it part of your everyday life. Have her help you with chores, or take her out to the theater, or go on a mission trip with her, but whatever you do, focus on her. Tune in to her, listen to her, and don’t let work and its preoccupations distract you from your daughter. At the end of the day, she’s more important than anything else. Page: 230

You are her introduction to love; you are love itself. Page: 230

“Dad, are you there for me?” She needs to know that the answer is always yes.Page: 230

Open Your Eyes to Her World (it’s different from yours) Page: 230

Fight for Her Body Page: 230

Truthfully, I would prefer that my teen patients (and my own kids) smoke during their teen years rather than have sex. Think about it. If a sixteen-year-old girl smokes until she’s twenty and then stops, her lungs and her cardiovascular system will recover and she can be completely healthy for the rest of her life.Page: 230

Remember, setting rules has nothing to do with trust—particularly during the teen years. Page: 230

Fight for Her Mind Page: 230

Never let popular culture steal your daughter from you. Teach her the centrality of family, the importance of humility, and the rewards of helping others. Teach her to look beyond herself. Page: 230

Fight for Her Soul Page: 230

Fight for Your Relationship with Her What your daughter wants most from you is your time. Page: 230

The bottom line is: she needs more time with you than she does with her friends. So be with her. Page: 230

One day, when she is grown, something between the two of you will shift. If you have done your job well, she will choose another good man to love her, fight for her, and be intimately connected to her. But he will never replace you in her heart, because you were there first. And that’s the ultimate reward for being a good dad.