I’ve enjoyed reading Matt Haig’s novels over the last several years and when I saw that he had written a very raw memoir of sorts I was eager to read it. That it turned out to also be a “how to be a friend to someone suffering from depression” guide made it an especially powerful and necessary read.
Necessary in the sense that chances are all of us will know someone battling with depression–Haig labels these people as “depressives.” Ideally, the reader closes the book with a heightened sense of empathy but also an expanded menu of tools to help be a better listener and a more thoughtful (and more diminutive speaker/responder).
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to have depression, the author shares plenty of useful comparisons:
“What idiot called it depression and not ‘there are bats living in my chest and they take up a lot of room, ps. I see a shadow.”
The feeling of being trapped in a cyclone, outwardly lethargic and inwardly spiraling fast and out of control
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”
with depression, the pain of life rapidly increases but fear of death remains the same
With all of that in mind, the most striking section of the book is a short two page chapter on things people say to depressives that they’d never say to a sick person:
Ah, meningitis. Come on, mind over matter.”
“Yes, yes, your leg is on fire, but talking about it all the time isn’t going to help things is it?”
Why do you think you got cancer of the stomach.”
The point being, that depression is not something someone chooses or that they can “snap out of”. For the author there were some very key relationships that helped him on his journey and these enabled him to offer 10 nuggets of wisdom for those of us who may be that same friend to someone else:
You’re needed, even when it seems like you’re not.
Listen
No tough love talk
Appreciate that it’s an illness, the depressive will say mean things they don’t mean
Educate yourself–things that seem easy might not be for them.
Don’t take anything about the process personally.
Be patient–it’s a long game.
Just be there.
Relieve any work/life pressure if you can
No matter what, don’t make them and their coping mechanisms feel weirder than they already do.
Key Notes:
3 Quote: “The bottom of the valley never provides the clearest view. I wrote this because the oldest cliches remain the truest. Time heals.”
4 Quote: “Misery, like yoga, is not a competitive sport.”
14 Depression defined: “What idiot called it depression and not ‘there are bats living in my chest and they take up a lot of room, ps. I see a shadow.” poet Melissa Broder
18 Absence of pain–not happiness
18 with depression, pain of life rapidly increases but fear of death remains the same
26 things people say to depressives: “Ah, meningitis. Come on, mind over matter.” “Yes, yes, your leg is on fire, but talking about it all the time isn’t going to help things is it?” “Why do you think you got cancer of the stomach.”
33 Pills didn’t make illness feel better but instead placed a distance there and force your racing brain to slow down a little
35 Need for better tools and language to interrupt low mood states before they become severe.
38 an illness lying in wait for “intense bleakness to appear.”
45 feeling of being trapped in a cyclone, outwardly lethargic and inwardly spiraling fast and out of control
49 craving a single second where you don’t feel terrified
62 depression as accumulated intensity
68 power in talking about depression–where talking exists so does hope
91 crippling fear, the idea of it, is a thing depressives reckon with. “Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King
112 Pain is a destination that will last forever is a lie that pain tells you–instead its a debt paid off over time
120-1 10 Ways to Be There for someone:
You’re needed, even when it seems like you’re not.
Listen
No tough love talk
Appreciate that it’s an illness, the depressive will say mean things they don’t mean
Educate yourself–things that seem easy might not be for them.
Don’t take anything about the process personally.
Be patient–it’s a long game.
Just be there.
Relieve any work/life pressure if you can
No matter what, don’t make them and their coping mechanisms feel weirder than they already do.
125 Depression’s intensity
127 “Pleasure doesn’t just help compensate for pain, it can actually grow out of it”
130 “We find ourselves through the process of escaping”
164 An overattachment to material things leads to more suffering
239 “Beauty cleans the mind”
245 For further study: Geoff Dyer book.