This book is on my yearly re-reading list and I've previously published my kindle highlights here. In the process of re-reading it in 2015, I wanted to put together a short summary for my future reference. Let me be clear, this is a book I heartily recommend to friends, regardless of their religious beliefs. There are some Christian elements that appear in this book but they never come off as preachy or off-putting. Believe me, if you have a daughter--you will be SO glad that you read this book.
1. You are the most important man in her life.
Make your time with her count--the time you spend determines the course of her life. Make the most of opportunities to influence her.
2. She needs a hero
This means you need to be a leader to her and above all else, to persevere in your love for her and in your relationship with her. She needs you to protect her...even when she is pushing you away.
3. You are her first love
You are the baseline for love in her life. All over male relationships will be judged against you. Make this count. Tell her you love her--this is especially true when it seems most awkward at an older age. Compliment her qualities versus her looks. "I love you because there is no one else in the world like you." Build fences (i.e., boundaries or rules) but make sure these are not the focus of your relationship--make sure love is. Dedicate devoted time with her and practice active listening.
4. Teach her humility
You must be the model for humility with her (for a great book on the subject, check out Humilitas, my brief summary on that book is here). Humility teaches her that her value is intrinsic--it's derived not from what she does but from who she is. Importantly, humility teaches her to think about the needs of the people around her.
5. Protect her, defend her (and use a shotgun if necessary)
She doesn't want to hear about your past but she does want to hear from you--so don't neglect this conversation because of your own past. What are your rules, when is it ok to have sex and why do you believe that? Urge her to wait to have sex...every year she delays the likelihood of her contracting lifelong STDs like HPV goes down (the book has some alarming statistics on this). HUG YOUR DAUGHTER. Daughters desire your affection--you don't want them seeking physical contact elsewhere because you neglect this area. My favorite saying from this book: Sweep the garage. First off, this means her date comes inside the house and physically sees you and talks to you. This means he hears what her curfew is. And it means he sees you 'sweeping the garage' when he drops her off at night.
6. Pragmatism and grit: two of your greatest assets
This teaches your daughter that she is the captain of her destiny--she is charge of her own happiness. Teach her to approach challenges in life by asking 'what can I do about this.' Focus on self-reliance. Above all, stick with it in all things.
7. Be the man you want her marry
SO GOOD. It's easy to let one's kids swallow up all of your focus and energy. But if you neglect your wife and that relationship suffers (and/or ends in divorce), your children will suffer more. Emphasize to your daughter that she is enough and that her future husband should believe this too. Model the man you want her to marry in your conduct, speech and actions.
8. Teach her who God is
If you aren't a believer, don't just gloss over this chapter because it has some great nuggets of wisdom. Teach her to fail well. Teach her to admit her mistakes, to apologize and seek forgiveness when she wrongs someone. And then teach her to move forward. Again, teaching her about God is ultimately about modeling behavior...through a God who loves, forgives, is gracious and who saves.
9. Teach her to fight
This is really about teaching her to temper her immediate impulses and reactions. You want to teach her to find a balance between her overriding emotions and reason. Choose your battles. Save your energy for core issues like honesty, courage and humility (not hairstyle and music for example).
10. Keep her connected
Just spend time with her. She needs to feel that she can find refuge in you. Take her with you and involve her in your activities outside the house, even if it's just a trip to the hardware or book store.
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know
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You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives no other man.Read more at location 160
xSex education curricula generally follow the guidelines of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. SIECUS is a nonprofit advocacy group that proposes to “assist children in understanding a positive view of sexuality, provide them with information and skills about taking care of their sexual health, and help them acquire skills to make decisions now and in the future.”Read more at location 197
Studies show that the amount of sexual content increased from 67 percent in 1998 to 77 percent in 2005.2 If you grew up in the 1960s or 1970s, the amount of sexual content was, comparatively, virtually nonexistent.Read more at location 251
Anna was having a tough time, but think about her poor dad. For the last two months, in her mind, he had been a sex-crazed, woman-abusing rapist. And he didn’t have a clue what was going on. Does television have an effect on your little girl? You bet it does. But you hold all the power.Read more at location 296
(A word of advice to make your life easier: don’t let your daughter have a TV, or a computer, in her room. Save TV time for family time when you or your wife can decide what to watch.)Read more at location 301
Your daughter will view this time spent with you vastly differently than you do. Over the years, in erratic bursts and in simple ordinary life together, she will absorb your influence. She will watch every move you make. She might not understand why you are happy or angry, dishonest or affectionate, but you will be the most important man in her life, forever.Read more at location 456
When she is twenty-five, she will mentally size her boyfriend or husband up against you. When she is thirty-five, the number of children she has will be affected by her life with you. The clothes she wears will reflect something about you. Even when she is seventy-five, how she faces her future will depend on some distant memory of time you spent together. Be it good or painful, the hours and years you spend with her—or don’t spend with her—change who she is.Read more at location 459
He wasn’t concerned with what family and friends would think. He didn’t worry about how the expulsion would change her future. He was worried about her.Read more at location 482
You have to—because, unfortunately, we have a popular culture that’s not healthy for girls and young women, and there is only one thing that stands between it and your daughter. You.Read more at location 489
And you should know that being a twenty-first-century hero is tough stuff. It requires emotional fortitude, mental self-control, and physical restraint. It means walking into embarrassing, uncomfortable, or even life-threatening situations in order to rescue your daughter.Read more at location 505
The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will—and that’s when trouble starts. Don’t let that happen.Read more at location 518
Authority is not a threat to your relationship with your daughter—it is what will bring you closer to your daughter, and what will make her respect you more.Read more at location 523
Your natural instinct is to protect your daughter. Forget what pop culture and pop psychologists tell you. Do it.Read more at location 530
So remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? Make sure she knows the answer is yes.Read more at location 535
Your daughter needs your guideposts of right and wrong, of proper and improper behavior. When she hits third grade or high school or marriage—all new experiences for her—she needs to know what you think is best for her. You’ve been there before. She trusts your opinion. So let her know. Don’t be afraid.Read more at location 563
Do a gut check on your own beliefs, and think of what sort of woman you want your daughter to be. She’ll learn not only from what you say, but from what you do.Read more at location 592
One of the best things fathers can do is raise their daughters’ expectations of life.Read more at location 594
Fathers need to be strict, but they also need to be kind, accepting, and loving. It’s a matter of balance. The don’ts are easy. Don’t let your daughter think of you as the enemy.Read more at location 600
A sexual assault is possibly the most traumatic event a girl can experience. Now consider that many psychologists and psychiatrists say your response to your daughter’s assault is as important as the event itself to your daughter’s future emotional health. This makes sense, and here’s why.Read more at location 651
Fathers get tired. Daughters can become defiant, manipulative, and wear their fathers down. This is where perseverance comes in.Read more at location 671
Sure, other kids are experimenting with sex and drugs and alcohol, but other kids aren’t your daughter. And your daughter will respect you more if you don’t give in.Read more at location 683
her boyfriend, and care more about her—and what’s right for her—than other people. Let me tell you a secret about daughters of all ages: they love to boast about how tough their dads are—not just physically, but how strict and demanding they are.Read more at location 685
If you only had to fight for her once, twice, or even ten times, the process wouldn’t be so tough. But you might have to fight for her two hundred times. You only have eighteen short years before she is on her own. If you don’t show her the high road now, she won’t find it later.Read more at location 688
Parents often say that kids are resilient in crises like divorce. But they’re not; kids just don’t have a choice. You do.Read more at location 778
The love you give her is her starting point. You have other loves in your life, but she doesn’t. Every man who enters her life will be compared to you;Read more at location 795
To be certain your daughter feels loved by you, here are some practical steps you can take.Read more at location 811
good rule of thumb is to use twice as many words as you normally would, even if it means just saying things twice. Daughters can be prone to self-doubt. Pay her compliments repeatedly, so she knows you’re sincere.Read more at location 815
In return, you need, first and foremost, to tell her you love her. Not just on special occasions, but regularly. That might be easy when she’s five, but she needs to hear it even more when she is fifteen.Read more at location 820
Keep your comments positive, keep them on these qualities, and you can’t lose.Read more at location 832
Instead of saying, “I love you because you’re so beautiful,” tell her that you love her because there is no one else in the world like her.Read more at location 833
Tell your teenagers that the boundaries you’ve erected aren’t about trust, but are about keeping them safe and moving them in the right direction. We all have boundaries that we respect because life is safer that way.Read more at location 853
Fathers often overestimate their daughters’ maturity. We’re all taught that girls mature faster than boys, which is partly true. But researchers now know that some girls don’t develop adult cognitive skills until their early twenties.Read more at location 876
Many fathers fear that enforcing rules on their daughters will only make them rebel. Some daughters do rebel—but not because of rules. They rebel because the rules aren’t balanced by anything else. Rules can’t be the center of your relationship. That’s where love comes in.Read more at location 890
Many fathers complain that their teenage daughters won’t talk to them. They’re usually wrong. It’s just that these fathers have discouraged their daughters from talking to them. Daughters won’t talk if they know the result will be only constant reprimand and correction. Daughters want their fathers to listen while they unravel their own tangled feelings and beliefs. If a daughter can trust her dad to listen, she will come to him again and again to talk.Read more at location 904
Keep one-on-one time simple. Avoid activities that put you in competition with your daughter. Always use this time for emotional balance, for relaxing and having fun. You can work out conflicts later.Read more at location 924
With overwhelming evidence, the study shows that kids who feel connected to their parents (and who spend more time with them) fare much better than kids who don’t. Parents keep kids out of trouble; parental influence can be more important than pressure; and specifically, daughters who spend more time with their fathers are less likely to drink, take drugs, have sex as teenagers, or have out-of-wedlock babies. Your time with her matters.Read more at location 938
How do you do that? Discipline. Grit. Will. If you need to distance yourself emotionally for a time, do it. If you need physical separation for a bit, okay. But always come back. Will, patience, calm, and persistence will pay off in your relationship with her. Nothing better expresses serious love than this combination of qualities. Let her know that nothing she can do, even running away, getting pregnant, tattooing her ankle, or piercing her tongue, can make you stop loving her. Say that if you need to.Read more at location 960
Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her.Read more at location 968
You will always be your daughter’s first love. And what a great privilege—and opportunity to be a hero—that is.Read more at location 996
because according to all the best scientific research, no one has a more powerful effect in preventing and helping her recover from eating disorders than you do.2Read more at location 1010
Researchers believe that eating disorders are hard to detect because most of them are subclinical.4 Girls hide their eating disorders so well. Even while they are in a mental and emotional cage, stuck with obsessive thoughts and behaviors, they try to hide. It’s especially hard for dads to understand that their daughters’ addiction to starving feels so good to them.Read more at location 1096
So how do you form that strong attachment? First, when you are with her, pay attention to her. Don’t tune her out and think about something else while she’s talking, don’t ignore her when she’s sitting next to you at a baseball game, and don’t think she won’t notice if you don’t focus on her. Do activities that the two of you can enjoy together.Read more at location 1113
you end up arguing about her boyfriend, that’s all right, because even arguing is a form of connection.Read more at location 1119
Girls like to talk more than boys—including dads—do. It’s healthy for girls to talk a lot, but it can be a problem for you because men are experts at tuning people out.Read more at location 1127
I can guarantee you one thing: if you listen to your daughter attentively for ten minutes every day, by the end of the month you’ll have a completely new relationship with her.Read more at location 1133
If you stay with her, look at her, and listen to her, she’ll keep coming back for more. Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she’ll become more comfortable expressing her feelings. Finally, because you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think that boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are). That’s a good attitude for her to have, and one that can protect her in the long run.Read more at location 1139
Remember that whatever she says, the very fact that you thoughtfully and consistently enforce rules of behavior makes her feel loved and valued.Read more at location 1145
Be calm, patient, and frank. Tell her that women in magazines aren’t the best role models, that people who judge everyone on their looks probably have terrible self-esteem issues.Read more at location 1160
1. Don’t comment frequently on how she looks. 2. Don’t comment on your own need to diet. 3. Don’t make derogatory comments about her body. Many fathers think they are being cute when they tell their daughters they have cute butts, strong thighs, and so on.Read more at location 1166
6. Don’t make her feel she needs to do things to get your attention. Give it to her naturally, just as part of everyday life.Read more at location 1176
To love your daughter well, to draw her close to you, to strengthen the bond between the two of you, you must have a will of steel. There will be times when you’ll want to walk out. Don’t. Take a break instead. There will be times when you’ll want to scream. Don’t. Have a plan for when you think you’re going to lose it—and practice it. There will be times when you don’t feel like expressing your love for your daughter. But do it. It will make you both feel better.Read more at location 1186
Teaching humility will demand more of you as a father than that. Humility doesn’t make sense unless it is modeled. If you want your daughter to love reading, you must read. If you want her to be athletic, go for a run. The same is true with humility. If you live it, she will get it. Remember, she is a dry sponge following you around, waiting to see what you think, feel, and do.Read more at location 1202
Humility is seeing ourselves honestly. It keeps us in the real world. Because we want our daughters to excel at everything they do, to be prettier, smarter, better than everyone else, we can confuse our priorities—and theirs.Read more at location 1222
know that she’s valuable not only for what she does, but for who she is. Here is your chance to teach her one of life’s greatest lessons: people are valuable because they’re human, not because of what they do.Read more at location 1238
Can a woman be both gorgeous and humble? Can your daughter be brilliant, in passionate pursuit of a successful career, but still appreciate that she alone is not wholly responsible for her success? Absolutely. Humility will make your daughter’s accomplishments shine all the more, and she will be more emotionally grounded, more satisfied, and happier than if she had tried to imitate Paris Hilton’s life.Read more at location 1256
Humility levels the playing field. This can make the insecure bully feel frightened. But it is the truth. And truth keeps us living in reality. It keeps us from being absorbed by a life of spite and self-destruction.Read more at location 1272
The great theologian Oswald Chambers says, “It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us but what God puts into us.” God has filled your daughter with unimaginable gifts. Humility teaches her that these are in fact “gifts” for which she should be grateful, not proud.Read more at location 1287
The problem with making happiness her goal is the lack of guardrails. A goal of happiness can become a justification for self-indulgence. It can encourage selfishness. It can be how children become “spoiled.” And, most important, it can actually lead to unhappiness, as there are no limits to a child’s—or an adult’s— “wants,” and these wants never ultimately satisfy a deeper need. So happiness remains out of reach.Read more at location 1339
If you think about this, it makes perfect sense. Self-indulgence is easy and takes no strength of character.Read more at location 1344
consider depression in teenage girls an STD, because it is almost always linked to underage sex.)Read more at location 1348
By far and away the most destructive lesson popular culture imbeds in our little girls’ minds is that they deserve more. They have a right to things and your responsibility as a parent is to provide those things. That’s what good parents, she thinks, are supposed to do in the twenty-first century.Read more at location 1379
She fails to consider the needs of others. It is as simple as that. Since she was born, her intuition told her to take what she needed, hold onto it, and get more. Those were the desires that drove her behavior. And everything in her environment fed that drive. Stores fed it by supplying fresh new things. Schools fed it by not holding her to high standards of behavior. And her parents fed it by desperately wanting to be good parents and giving her everything they thought she needed or desired.Read more at location 1400
Humility is tough and it takes a lifetime to learn, so get going. Remember that if you don’t, she will suffer more than anyone else. You need to set, as early in her life as you can, what the priorities for your family are. Do you want the center of the family’s life to be the children? Should it be you, or you and your wife, or God? If you don’t clearly establish your family’s priorities, your daughter and your other children will. They can get very, very vocal.Read more at location 1408
She’s a kid. You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism into her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always to think about other people, to put herself in their shoes, to know that everyone—her friends, neighbors, and sister and brother—is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living to the fullest as a caring, social being. If you teach your daughter to be good rather than simply happy, she will become both. Teaching your daughter humility is a wonderful gift. And it can be taught only by example.Read more at location 1416
Many parents don’t talk to their daughters because they feel guilty. I often hear, “How do I tell my daughter not to have sex in high school when I was sexually active in high school?” Face it: whatever you did then does not disqualify you from being a good father now. Your daughter is at risk. You need to protect her. And honestly, she doesn’t want to hear about your sex life.Read more at location 1443
What she wants to know from you is what the rules are. When is it appropriate to have sex and why? That’sRead more at location 1451
Reiterate to her that sex isn’t a simple bodily function—it is powerfully linked to her feelings, thoughts, and character. Tell her that a lot of what she hears and sees about sex is simply wrong. Keep it straightforward, loving, and respectable.Read more at location 1453
Few dads realize how important hugging is to their daughters, but I’ve heard countless girls tell me they had sex with a boy (not even a boyfriend) simply for the physical contact, because their fathers never hugged them or showed them affection. Her body starves for you to hug her.Read more at location 1468
It can be an uphill fight. Television commercials about ecstasy-inducing shampoo might not seem like a big deal to you, but you need to remember that your seven-year-old daughter is learning that being “sexy” is very important.Read more at location 1478
Teenage girls tell me routinely that they think they have to have sex to be accepted, cool, desirable, and sophisticated. They don’t believe this because they’re teenagers—they believe it because they’ve been told it, with nauseating repetition, from magazines, movies, music, and television from the time they were little. I see this all the time in young girls. When they first try sex—not necessarily intercourse—they are curious and usually very disappointed. The disappointment makes them feel that something is wrong with them, because everyone else says it’s great. So they try it again and again. In very short order they become emotionally dulled. Their instincts tell them that intimacy with another person has occurred, but their mind senses that no love was exchanged, no commitment was made, no emotional depth was involved. They become confused about love because sex came before love.Read more at location 1494
When battles do heat up, however, you have to kick into high gear. Don’t be mean, loud, or aggressive. Kindness and strength in your beliefs work better. When your sixteen-year-old bounces into the kitchen with a bikini barely covering her large breasts and pubic area, smile and tell her that it’s a gorgeous color, but the suit is too scant for her beautiful body. Tell her she needs to find a more modest suit that won’t make other girls feel jealous. When she is twenty-five, she’ll thank you. Standing guard over your daughter’s sexuality is tough. It is nothing short of war. But teaching her that modesty is a strength and not a commodity of the prudish will pay off with enormous dividends.Read more at location 1518
Fathers can ensure that their daughters grow up with healthy ideas about sexuality. You can guide your daughter to make smart decisions about sex. You know that your teenage girl shouldn’t be popping birth control pills, applying condoms, and being treated for STDs. She deserves better than that. If you as a father saw what I see every week in my medical practice, you would know what to do. And you’d succeed.Read more at location 1604
So, dad, you must help her, teach her to wait. Even Dr. Julie Gerberding, the head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, says so. Recently she wrote a letter to Congress about preventing HPV infections in young women. Why? Because infections are out of control and women (particularly young women) bear the brunt of the problems incurred by these infections. I was privileged to testify at the congressional hearing and this is essentially what Dr. Gerberding said: She told Congress that HPV causes cervical cancer in women and that we need to curb the spread of the virus. The best way, she said, was to have women reduce the number of sexual partners to as few as possible and to delay the onset of sexual activity as long as possible. Also, women should avoid sexual contact with an infected person. (The problem, however, is that HPV doesn’t cause symptoms unless it is the strain that causes warts, and these strains don’t cause cancer. Moreover, only 1 percent of HPV infections cause warts.)Read more at location 1653
Researchers have known for a long time that teenage sexual activity and depression are linked, but the question was which came first—the sex or the depression.Read more at location 1694
The findings were so clear that the authors said that girls who are engaging in sexual activity should be screened for depression. The researchers’ findings confirm my own clinical experience.Read more at location 1699
If a boyfriend picks your daughter up at home, don’t let him wait in the car and honk the horn. Make him come in and see you. Before the two of them leave, ask your daughter what time she’ll be home.Read more at location 1778
Even if a ring or necklace helps your daughter wait only a year or two longer, that’s a victory.Read more at location 1797
Let me put it this way. If you don’t want your daughter to be sexually active in high school, you need to tell her, you need to teach her. Otherwise, she will be. Popular culture trains our daughters for a life of promiscuity.Read more at location 1845
My point is that fathers are often the ones who bring pragmatism and solutions to family discussions. Men see problems differently than women do. Women analyze and want to understand; men want to solve—they want to do something. This often annoys wives and daughters, who can get swept up in thoughts and emotions, and conclude, as Leslie did, that you “just don’t get it, do you?” or even that you’re uncaring or heartless. But that’s only because you’re less interested in talking about a problem than in doing something about it.Read more at location 1911
A girlfriend of mine quipped that there are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through their own hard work; they are in charge of their own happiness.Read more at location 1920
But here’s where dad comes in. When your daughter daydreams about the sort of girl she wants to be and what she should expect from life, she takes her cues from you. If you teach your daughter—even inadvertently—that other people exist to serve her needs and desires, she will grow to expect that from others. If you teach her that life has limits and that not all her needs or desires can or should be met, she will learn to accept realism, and she will not live expecting—or waiting for—others to be servants to the princess.Read more at location 1931
The damage comes when a loving father indulges a daughter to the point that she expects always to be on the receiving end, and that all her material, physical, or emotional needs are to be taken care of by someone else. What or how much you give her doesn’t matter as much as the way in which you give. I have seen many wealthy girls grow up unspoiled and many poor girls become demanding, selfish grown-ups.Read more at location 1941
As a dad, whenever your daughter is in a tough situation, all you have to do is ask her this simple question: “So what can you do about it?” And it’s worth asking that question in situations throughout her life.Read more at location 1950
Home is work too, because just as people need you to do things at work, your wife and your daughters need you to do things at home. Not just fixing things around the house, but being the man they need you to be. That can sometimes mean intervening in their disputes and helping them solve their problems.Read more at location 1999
I am convinced that if fathers recruited even 20 percent of the intellectual, physical, mental, and even emotional energy they spend at work and applied it to their relationships at home, we would live in an entirely different country. I’m not referring to coming home and doing more chores around the house, the yard, or at your kids’ schools. I’m talking about truly engaging with your family as a husband and father. Much of what you can do for your daughter is simply to engage her in conversation and listen. Men often talk little, but they listen more. Your problem-solving brain can analyze what your daughter tells you, and you can help her think of ways to smooth over volatile situations.Read more at location 2046
Divorce is really the central problem that has created a generation of young adults who are at higher risk for chaotic relationships, sexually transmitted diseases, and confusion about life’s purpose. But that’s where fathers who stay engaged with their families can make all the difference.Read more at location 2160
In saving Ada and his marriage, did medicine, psychotherapy, faith, and friends help Alex? Yes, they all helped in part. But ultimately, Alex restored his family because he refused to relinquish his daughter. He determined how to help her and then he steeled his will to do it, because that’s what strong fathers do.Read more at location 2235
Before your daughter marries, you need to be that man. You need to ask yourself: Do I live my life as a father with integrity? Am I honest? Do I work hard for her and my family? Am I loving and protective of my wife and daughter? These are very tough questions, but if you want a healthy marriage for your daughter, this is where it begins. A healthy marriage is based on respect. You want to have your daughter’s respect, and if you model integrity, you will—and you will teach her to expect it in her future husband. Choosing a spouse is the one of the most important of life’s decisions. Careers don’t bear children, fill you with exuberance, or bring you soup in bed. Spouses do. And you are the man who will teach your daughter about men.Read more at location 2252
Every father wants a son-in-law who has nothing to hide and whose relationship with his daughter will be founded on truth. All secrets hurt. So talk to your wife about this. Make an agreement to have no secrets between you. Practice this. Then watch what happens to your daughter. If you live a life without secrets, she probably will too. If you expect her to hide nothing, she is much more likely to come clean about drinking and other dangerous behavior. But if she finds out that you (or her mom) are living with serious secrets—and kids almost always find out—she will likely do the same.Read more at location 2347
His example will teach his daughter an important lesson about life’s priorities. But if you don’t reconcile your wants and desires with honesty, integrity, and humility, your daughter won’t either—and nor will the man she chooses to marry.Read more at location 2441
She needs to know this so that when she chooses a husband, she will look for another man who considers her a gift, who considers her “enough.”Read more at location 2460
suffocating love. You will want to protect her. She needs you to fight for her and to care, to be there for her, to be strong. She wants the world to know that if you mess with her, you mess with her dad. Don’t let her down. Fathers who shrug their shoulders and turn away leave their daughters feeling crushed.Read more at location 2482
Listen to your instincts and err on the side of protecting your daughter. It is a common mistake of fathers to back away from their daughters tooRead more at location 2494
fast and too soon. Please, please don’t. You’re not being overprotective or overbearing if you keep her from learning the hard way that drinking too much is dangerous, even life-threatening. Protect her, but do so subtly and wisely. Be there. Be the man of integrity, with reason and with muscles, to keep her pointed in the right direction.Read more at location 2495
If you want her to marry a man with integrity, a man who will try to love her well, a man who will exercise courage with his family, protect her, and embody manly humility rather than arrogant narcissism, then show her integrity. Teach her to love life more than she fears it. Show her the integrity that means you have nothing to hide. Show her the love that puts family before material possessions. Show her strength of character and she will incorporate it into her own persona.Read more at location 2592
One more thing about hope. Girls make a lot of mistakes as they grow up, as we all do. Part of your job as her father is to teach her how to fail well.Read more at location 2797
In order to grow stronger from her mistakes and move forward in an emotionally healthy manner, three things must take place. First, she’s got to admit the mistake.Read more at location 2801
Second, she must say she’s sorry—to you, to whomever she hurt, even to herself. This last gesture is extremely important for teen girls who are sensitive.Read more at location 2804
Third, she needs to begin her life again, to move forward with a fresh start.Read more at location 2807
but, well, you see, every morning, my dad and I were the first ones up in our house. I got up after him. Anyway, when I would come downstairs, I always saw him sitting in his chair all alone in the living room. He would be praying. I knew because he had his eyes closed. Or sometimes he would be reading the Bible or a book about the Bible. I knew never to interrupt him.Read more at location 2835
Anyway, every day I went off to school, I felt so good knowing that my dad had gone to his chair and, I’m sure, prayed for me that day. I can’t tell you how good that felt. Somehow, I know that helping poor people, particularly poor kids, would make him really happy.Read more at location 2840
Women tend to want more intense relationships. Men tend to want peace and quiet away from work. And both often feel like they are being shortchanged.Read more at location 2956
Your job, as a man, as her father, is to help her keep her emotions in check.Read more at location 2962
So first you need to train her to assess her impulses: Are they good or are they bad? Are they encouraging her to be stronger or weaker? Then you must help her identify thoughts, emotions, and desires that should be weeded out, one at a time. Help her to clarify her thinking, help her keep it simple. And once you do that, teach her to fight. Let her know that you and she are on the same side. Let her know that you will defend her from a very toxic, woman-unfriendly culture.Read more at location 2971
Help your daughter find the balance between feelings, reason, and will. Don’t just tell her; show her, in your own behavior, how that balance can be found.Read more at location 2992
Be savvy in choosing your battles. In general, if her food choices, her hairstyle, or her taste in music annoy you, you can let these go (unless they are part of a larger problem—like an eating disorder or hanging out with a bad crowd). Save your energy for the bigger issues that you absolutely need to focus on: honesty, integrity, courage, and humility.Read more at location 3033
She wants to see conviction and leadership in her father. She might discard your beliefs when she’s older, but at least she’ll know where you stand. Don’t throw her into a wasteland of equivocation by saying, “Well, that depends on how you feel, or how you look at things.” Give her something with which to agree or disagree.Read more at location 3050
Your daughter needs to know your standards, because everyone else is trying to sell her theirs. Here are a few of the most common ones you’ll have to battle.Read more at location 3066
Your daughter’s desire to look beautiful is fine if you, as her father, help direct it.Read more at location 3086
Don’t make her feel bad about her desire to be attractive. Just affirm that modesty is attractive too—and more self-respecting.Read more at location 3145
The problem is not in having things. The problem is thinking that “things” will make you happier.Read more at location 3167
Finally, remember, nice girls die in car accidents. Nice girls get pregnant. Nice girls fall for bad boys. Teaching your daughter to say no could save her life.Read more at location 3200
Parent connectedness: mothers and fathers staying together, and mothers and fathers spending time with their kids. And no one is more important to a daughter than her father. You don’t need to read all the studies and psychology books to know what to do. Our cold little girls connected with their dad on that chilly June night. All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with her. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.Read more at location 3218
Fathers like to do things outside the house, so here’s a tip: take your daughter with you.Read more at location 3225
Can you connect with your daughter? Absolutely. Keep it simple. Make it part of your everyday life. Have her help you with chores, or take her out to the theater, or go on a mission trip with her, but whatever you do, focus on her. Tune in to her, listen to her, and don’t let work and its preoccupations distract you from your daughter. At the end of the day, she’s more important than anything else.Read more at location 3349
“Dad, are you there for me?” She needs to know that the answer is always yes.Read more at location 3373
Truthfully, I would prefer that my teen patients (and my own kids) smoke during their teen years rather than have sex. Think about it. If a sixteen-year-old girl smokes until she’s twenty and then stops, her lungs and her cardiovascular system will recover and she can be completely healthy for the rest of her life.Read more at location 3393
Remember, setting rules has nothing to do with trust—particularly during the teen years.Read more at location 3400
Never let popular culture steal your daughter from you. Teach her the centrality of family, the importance of humility, and the rewards of helping others. Teach her to look beyond herself.Read more at location 3414
Fight for Your Relationship with Her What your daughter wants most from you is your time.Read more at location 3422
The bottom line is: she needs more time with you than she does with her friends. So be with her.Read more at location 3427
One day, when she is grown, something between the two of you will shift. If you have done your job well, she will choose another good man to love her, fight for her, and be intimately connected to her. But he will never replace you in her heart, because you were there first. And that’s the ultimate reward for being a good dad.Read more at location 3432
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